It’s been a few weeks since my last post. I have just been so busy with work, doing over time, having to find/arrange yet another house move etc, that I’ve barely had time to think. Thanks to being so busy, I have even missed my most recent appointment with my counsellor. I will be looking to contact them this week and make another appointment as soon as possible, because I don’t want all the good progress to slip by the wayside.
With everything that’s going on, and the pressure I’m under to do certain things, I would have expected myself to be stressed to the hilt. If this was a few months ago, and I was having to deal with all of this, I’m fairly confident I would have been in a bit of a state. Right now, though? I’m not stressed to the hilt. In fact, I barely feel stressed. I think I have finally found the “fuck it” switch, and it’s been flipped.
I have come to realise that all the stressing in the world, won’t prevent the inevitable! For example:
If there are not enough hours in the day, or if I’m not skilled enough to get a job done in time, then guess what? It just won’t be done in time. It’s that simple. The job I’m in, I’m qualified at a lower level, but working at a much higher level. I need to see my role for what it is, and It’s bloody tough! Every day is a school day, and that’s why I love it. I love learning something new all the time. I love that every day is different. I see the more seasoned engineers around me struggling at times, and this lets me know that it’s ok. I don’t need to be perfect, and no-one expects me to know it all. All that is expected, is that I do my best, and if that’s not good enough, then all I can do is keep trying until it is.
This goes for all relationships; If I’m having to be the one making all the effort, then stressing myself out about the fact no effort is made for me, is futile. What is stressing about someone not giving a fuck going to do? Will it make them care? Will it change the situation? Hells no. All it means is I’m being a bit of a gimp by chasing after someone to like me, then getting angry about the fact. So, is that their fault? Or mine? I’d say it’s mine. Not doing this to myself anymore. My counsellor told me in our last session that I should be more selfish, and do things that make me happy, and chasing after others definitely doesn’t make me happy. I reckon I’m worth effort, and I wont settle for less anymore.
I guess this little umbrella can encompass all problems, even if it’s to do with my family, or work. If something is broken in work, and I have no idea how to fix it. What good is stressing? I sit next to someone who always goes on about me looking stressed. It gets right on my tits. I’ll get “Oooh, you ok, you’re looking a bit stressed”. I’ve actually had this comment when I’ve been watching a funny video on YouTube. So, I guess I just have a permanent pensive/stressed look about me. The tell for me being stressed is not my face, it’s the amount of profanity I’m spitting! So, if I’m not swearing like a sailor, all is well. It’s almost a little amusing though, because the person who says this to me, is one of the most stressy people I work with, and when they get stressed, they get arsy. I’m sure they only point it out, as a matter of concern, but it’s just so annoying. It’s like when there is nothing wrong with you, and someone keeps asking if you’re ok. You then end up not being ok, because of their intrusive line of questioning, and then it looks like you were never actually ok. Exact same scenario here and it’s annoying as feck. In fact, this week past, a comment was made, when I was having a discussion with another colleague. My face was red apparently. This is down to my being on Roaccutane, and how hot/humid it’s been. It makes me look like I have rosacea. So, felt the need to message my colleague, explain, and point out that their worrying about my being stressed (all the time!), is silly because I’m fine. Here’s hoping no more comments will be made!
Sorry, digressed a little there, but I’m sure I made my point. So, yes, being stressed about a fault at work? no point what so ever. I’ve gotten to the point now, where I know my limits, I’ll do my best, but where I fail, I will escalate. No more trying to be better than I am. There is only so much I can do, and there are still gaps in my knowledge that I’m starting to fill, but I’m no where near being on par with my seniors.
At home? Well, I’ve got a few problems to find solutions for, and in all honesty? Not going to worry/stress about it all too much. I’ve gotten in touch with all the right people, filled in all the right forms, done some calculations (yes, a spreadsheet), and I’m feeling a little ok about things. I wouldn’t say I’m cool as cucumber over here, but I’m not nearly as bad as I once would have been.
It’s such a liberating feeling to realise no-one is perfect, and you don’t have to be! Not a single person on the planet is, not even those who pretend to be. It’s ok to not have your shit together, and it’s ok to have problems. Focusing on all the negatives, causes you to lose sight of the all the good that is going on. Even if you’re aware of the good, if you’re spending all your time, hyper focused on the bad, stressing about how to fix it, you won’t be appreciating the good.
In my counselling we discussed the fact that it’s ok to have negative thoughts. It’s ok to acknowledge them, but you need to know if the thought is helpful, is it a constructive thought? Or is it a thought that will just cause worry, and ill feelings towards yourself and your abilities? If it’s the latter, then acknowledge it, but just let it go. Don’t give it much credence. Negative thoughts are like a monster, the more you worry, the more you feed it, and the bigger it gets, until it’s consumed you. You then find yourself in a dark spiral, feeling like you’re losing control. I have found myself in that situation more times than I care to remember, and it’s just awful. Try to give more focus to the good things that are happening. Even if that good thing is you surviving another day of monotony or getting through the project you thought was never ending, or the fact another episode of your favourite TV show is available. Take the good where you can, and definitely give that more credence than the bad.
The positives for me is that I’m making some really good progress. All the hints/tips that I’ve been given in counselling just seem far too easy to be true, but, I’ve stuck to what has been suggested, and I’d say I’m living proof it works. I’m still not cured, and not without any anxieties. This morning I think I’ve swallowed a bit of glass. Yup. You read right. I was taking a drink out of my glass, when I saw something glistening in the bottom. At first, I thought it was a bit of foil, but when I fished it out, it was a bit of glass. I have searched in vain for where it could have come from, and I definitely went into a bit of a worried state, but, I didn’t end up in A&E, there were no palpitations, and guess what? I’m still alive and kicking! I’d say I’m #Winning today. I have applied some rational thinking, distracted myself, and now I’m not even bothered if I have. I’m sure if I had, and it was going to harm me, I’d have felt something by now. See how well I’m doing? If this was a couple of months ago, I’d 100% be in A&E. Without a doubt.
For my readers that are also seeking help, or even thinking about it, it would be good to hear form you too. If you ever wanted to write something (completely anonymous of course), then please let me know. I find that writing this blog really helps me, and it’s good to know it’s helping others too. One of the big ways it has helped me, is when people get in touch to say, “me too!”. It lets me know I’m not alone. Email me firstname.lastname@example.org or even just message me on here.