Well isn’t this fun. Sitting awake at 3.58am, having been awake since around 1am, knowing I need to be up at 5.30am. Why am I awake? Naturally my mind is racing with thoughts that could wait, or better yet, are completely unnecessary. My brain needs to surface these thoughts and analyse them now. Surely the small hours of the morning is the best time? Yup I’m sure it is. It must be. Why else would it always be these times I’m like this?
Do you ever have the ‘what if’ thoughts? I have been laying here for the better part of 3 hours thinking all of the ‘what if’ thoughts for things I cannot possibly change. Things like “What if I picked better friends growing up, how much better would my life have been”, and “What if I’d gotten my education sooner, where would I be now”, these are just a couple of the questions that have raced in my mind this morning. There have been many many more, that have spawned from these two questions, but I won’t bore you with those.
Why is it, we sit and tear ourselves up about things out of our control and that can never be changed? What even is the point? Rationally I know these events have passed and cannot be changed, yet here I am going over the 101 scenarios of how things could have turned out had I not made such silly decisions in my life. Not only do I beat myself up for things that haven’t even happened yet by anticipating the worst in ever single thing that happens in my life, but I also tear myself up inside over things that have happened.
I do not regret my Children one little bit, but I do wish I’d had them a bit later. Why? Well, I see others who have waited until they’re settled into a career and they can offer their Children more than I can offer mine. This leaves me with deep seeded guilt that I’m not enough. This then leads me to think about all the time I wasted not getting my education, to have a better job, to be able to give them a better life, and again I’m thinking about not being enough. I then start to think about where it all went wrong for me. Was it just down to who I am? Was I always going to be this way? Am I just a waste of space? Or, would me being more choosy about my friends when I was a teen have helped? Surely it would have. The people I dared to call friends in my teens, were far from. In fact, you’d have been safer emotionally/physically trapped in a den of rattle snakes, so yeah that must be it. Well no, maybe not, as I too was one of those snakes. Queue more thoughts on scrutinising every single decision I made in my youth. I also realise that these decisions lead to me having my Children, of whom I do not regret one single bit. I would honestly be lost without them. So, whilst I have these regrets of not making better choices or being a better person, I realise I may have been without my Children, and I’d hate that. So where does that leave me? I’m left unable to sleep, going over the same thoughts of being a useless waste of space, and then feeling guilty for even considering changing how my life turned out.
I have resisted putting on the T.V for two reasons:
1) My husband is currently sleeping and I don’t want to wake him.
2) I’m too stubborn for my own good. I like to think I’m at a point where I can do this myself.
I know I cannot calm my thoughts alone, not when they’re racing and im tired.When PMA isn’t working, I know I need a distraction. Im totally not in the right mind set to have a positive outlook. Perhaps this is why the overthinking happens at this time. Maybe my Anxiety knows it can creep in when I’m at my most vulnerable.
Well, I’ve given in and realised I needed to do something. I was at the point where I was so tense my legs were starting to tremble and my jaw was clenched. Writing this blog has helped me to not feel as tense, but now it’s time to put on a movie to completely lose myself in, and detach. I almost feel like I’m admitting defeat. Why couldn’t I just roll over, change my train of thought and nod back off? Maybe one day I’ll find it easier to do. For now though, I’m going to watch “Wolverine – Origin”. Yes it’s not a very good movie, but it’s something that I can hopefully get lost in and doze off to.
I now also realise that this will leave me very tired for the day ahead, of which will have a knock on effect with how I deal with things and no doubt leave to me feeling fragile and anxious. Could this just be me setting myself up to feel this way? Being too negative for my own good. Or could it just be the fact I’ve been here many times before, so I know how the story goes? I guess only time will tell, and for now I seem to have plenty of that.
Anxiety – a nice little reminder for when you think life is stressful enough, it will rear it’s head to push your limits further for the banter.