BPD/EUPD Paranoia – One day at a time

In my blog “Even when I explain, you still don’t get it!”, I admitted to you all about my paranoid thoughts. This was a hard thing for me to admit to, because deep down I know how utterly ridiculous it is. All the situations that make me paranoid/anxious come with an internal argument with myself!

Paranoia: “Hmmm, I wouldn’t drink out of that cup you know…”

Me: “why?”

Paranoia: “Did you pour the contents? Do you trust who did?”

Me: “Well no, but I’m sure I trust them….shouldn’t I trust them?”

Paranoia: “I don’t know, should you? I mean I wouldn’t, but if you want to go ahead and trust them…”

Me: “Now I’m not sure. Maybe I shouldn’t trust them….Maybe they will have done something to my cup”

Paranoia: “Oh, they most certainly have! What if they’ve spiked you?”

Me: “Why on earth would they do that?”

Paranoia: “I don’t know. Why does anyone? Has it happened to you before?”

Me: “well …. Yes!”

Paranoia: “There you go then! All people are assholes, and they most certainly will do it to you. Why? Who knows.”

Why am I paranoid?

And there we have it folks! I know why I’m paranoid about my food and drink! My ex partner would spike me frequently. He would put speed into my coffee. Now, speed is an upper, but it doesn’t affect you like others. You don’t get a warm fuzzy feeling as it takes you over. In fact, you don’t really feel much different, you just have tons more energy. Naturally, at the time, I was aware something was awry. I was having days where I had bags more energy, the house, shopping, and kids were seen to in a matter of a few hours. How did I find out he was doing this to me? Well, because he’s not the brightest bulb in the box, that’s why! He and I were chatting one day about our friends who lived down stairs, and he started to laugh about the fact John was spiking Leanne with speed because he was sick of coming home of an evening and not everything being done. At the time I didn’t twig, until the frequency of him being on speed was increasing, and so were my ‘hyper days’. I called him out on it, and of course he denied it. It was at this point I stopped accepting anything made by him, that went for drinks and food, and guess what? These ‘hyper days’ just appeared to stop. Funny that!

A year or so later, when this was a distant memory, and my being scared to let him prepare me food/drink had fallen by the wayside, it happened again! He made me a cuppa, and not long after it I started to feel very weird. My ears started to ring, and my vision went very blurry! I was dizzy and could barely stand. I asked him what was in my drink, he told me not to be so silly and that I was clearly coming down with something. I was then taken off to bed, where I lay feeling very scared! He then left the house and went into town. What?? Yup, you read that right. He popped his head around the bedroom door and told me he needed to head into town and wouldn’t be long. Leaving me in the house with 3 toddlers, unable to stand. I couldn’t believe it. I remember being so very scared and having to force myself to get up. Fast forward a few hours and the dizzy feeling had passed, the ringing in the ears and blurry vision had stopped, and I was now feeling incredibly lethargic. Now, I have experimented with a lot of drugs in my youth, but NOTHING had made me feel like that. When he came home later that day, he just wondered in as if everything was a-ok and didn’t even ask how I was feeling. Why?? If someone I knew had been so unwell, they had to lay down, for a start I wouldn’t have gone off and left them, but let’s say I had, I would definitely be concerned for them when I came back, wanting to know how they were feeling now. I asked him what he’d put into my coffee and this just started a helluva an argument. Of course, he denied it, and in hindsight I should have gone to the doctor or even the police to have my blood tested and get the rat done for it. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of that, perhaps I was just relieved for the horrible feeling to have passed and for me to now be feeling ok.

It took me a long time after this relationship ended to trust accepting anything like drinks/food, that I hadn’t prepared myself. Again, I let the anxiety of this fall by the wayside and realised that no-one was as much of a horrible c*nt as he was, and I was now surrounded by people that I could trust. Or could I? When on a college night out someone thought it would be funny to spike my drink. There I am, stood in a night club and all of a sudden, I start to get the warm and fuzzy feeling. At first, I was thinking I was just too hot, but then my vision started vibrate (common affects from uppers, especially when you’re first coming up). I went and sat down, thinking that I was just being paranoid, it would have been the alcohol! Maybe the round of jagerbombs we’d all be having? Nope, the feeling just became more and more intense, until I was absolutely gone. Now, being on something was not new to me, but in the past (other than Voldemort spiking me) it had always been my choice. I was aware of the affects I was letting myself in for, and I was prepared. When someone spikes you, you’re not prepared, so when the affects start, you get scared! Why is this such a bad thing? Well, to take any drug your head needs to be in the right space! If it isn’t? You’re in for one bad trip! All uppers do is magnify your moods/thoughts/feelings. So, if you start the trip off being scared, this is never good! The rest of this college night out was a disaster! I couldn’t go home being off my face, so ended up back at some student’s house, where everyone just sat totally out of their tree! Definitely not a highlight! The worst bit?? No-one will admit to who spiked me, but they all found it funny! Grown adults, and they thought this was funny to spike someone? Absolute c*nts whoever it was, and I still maintain it to this day, if I ever find out who it was, heaven help them. It still infuriates me.

Conclusion

So, here we have it! This is why I’m paranoid about my food/drink. This is why if I start to get a little bit warm after ingesting something, I start to get scared that someone has done something to me, and this is definitely why I don’t trust anyone. You see, when it was my ex-partner, I could rationalise that. I could get over that quicker because he’s just an evil/twisted human! Complete and utter psychopath! But when people who you’ve come to know, people who you see as friends can do it to you? All trust has gone out of the window!

The paranoia and anxiety about my being spiked comes and goes in varying degrees. It really is mood dependent. If I’m in a better mood, this leads me to feel/think a little bit more optimistically about things, allowing me to be more rational. For instance, in the last couple of weeks I’ve had some really positive days, meaning I’ve been able to just rinse my glass once, accept a cuppa from my husband, and trust the food he’s prepared. In fact, one day in work I was able to take a bowl and spoon from the communal kitchen and trust, just by looking it over, that it was clean enough to use! I didn’t feel the need to wash it thoroughly before use! Man did I feel badass that day. On my more down days, I cannot seem to rationalise this with myself at all. My paranoia overwhelms me, and my rational thinking has no way of squeezing through to help me.

I have spent some time looking up forums/blogs about others who are paranoid about their food/drink. Pretty much all of the state “it’s an irrational fear”. I’m not sure that my fear is irrational, as it comes from real situations. My brain hasn’t just made this up to fuck me over. I have actually been spiked, many times, and this has caused me to distrust people. Why is this important? Well, I have a reason. I know what my trigger is, when it’s at it’s worst, and I think I know how I want to try and tackle it.

Moving Forward

I am setting myself some micro challenges. I call them micro because they really are small little baby steps that I will endeavour to achieve, but, if I can’t then I won’t beat myself up. As I previously mentioned, on my better days I’m more rational and able to make better choices, but on my down days not so much. I’m not about to stress myself out further on my down days by forcing myself to do something that may spike my anxiety or cause me to feel worse, but instead, I’m going to really go for it when I’m feeling better and more lucid! In the last two weeks I’ve been so proud of myself. Like, really proud of myself. I have managed to use cutlery/bowls/plates that I’ve not washed again before use, I’ve left a cup of water unattended and proceed to drink from it when I’ve come back, and I’ve accepted numerous cups of water/tea etc from my husband. This is HUGE people! HUGE!

From now on, I’m literally going to take it a day at a time. I need to gauge my mood, and I desperately need to start building trust with people around me. I’m starting with my family, mainly because it’s beyond ridiculous I cannot trust them. If there is anyone in the world, I should be able to trust, it’s them! Once I’ve built up trust with them, I’ll look to build it up with friends. The more I allow myself to trust on my better days, I believe I will then find it easier to trust on my bad days.

Have you ever had paranoid thoughts? Were/are they justified? How have you managed them? I’d be keen to hear from you! Any thoughts, idea’s, suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

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