I am my own biggest critic. I’m sure I speak for nearly everyone when I say; nothing I do is good enough. I will always say that I could have done more. I will scrutinise my work/life, and strive for better. Another thing I’m bad for, is beating myself up for how I am with others. I always scrutinise my social interactions and relationships. Wondering if what I said was offensive, doubting how people see me, not knowing how to deal with people, for fear of just getting it all wrong.
Well, let’s just say I’ve had an epiphany this week. You see, I am very much someone that has a black and white attitude toward people, as in; I either care about you, or I don’t. So, if you’re someone I respect/like, I would like to think you respect/like me back. If you didn’t, this would hurt me, because I like to think I’m a pretty nice person, so would assume it’s my actions that have made you not like me, thus leading me to over scrutinise our every interaction. However, if I don’t like/respect you, then what you think of me is neither here nor there. Does that make sense? I will not lose sleep over someone, I don’t care about. This even goes for work colleagues. I may not consider work colleagues to be friends, but if I like them and I respect them, I would be upset to think it wasn’t mutual. I am also a very firm believer that respect is earned, not commanded. People who insist on talking at people, rather than to them, really annoy me. I do not respond well to these people, and they definitely fall into the black.
I spend a lot of my life doing my best to appease those I like, for fear that my actions will cause them to dislike me somehow. Just another one of my stupid, time consuming, irrational fears. I will scrutinise our every interaction, sometimes even during the interaction, and I will beat myself up for things said, or even things that were unsaid. It’s exhausting. I will even look to message people, or talk to people after the fact and apologise, or say the things I think I should have said. Most of the time I get a rather meh response, because they genuinely didn’t notice, nor care. I often know this will be the response I’m met with, but I have to say something. Otherwise my brain will just continue to race about the situation, and it will drive me around the bend.
Lately I’ve had someone I class as a friend, just completely use me. The shit thing here is, I let them. I could see they were only out for their own selfish gain, and you know what, I let them do it anyway. I was so worried that I would lose them, I just let them treat me how they wanted. They are the kind of friend that is only ever interested in hearing from you when they’ve literally sod all else to do, or they want something. You know the ones? Completely selfish beyond all reason. They think nothing of you dropping what you’re doing to appease them, but would they so much as make a smidgen of effort for you? Would they hell. We all know someone like this. Now why, if I’m aware of how they are, have I even let them in close enough to use me? Well, after much thought (try a weekend of no sleep), I’ve come to the conclusion, that I like to jump through hoops for those that don’t care. I seem to have this deep seeded need to be enough for those, who will NEVER see me as enough. I work harder for these types of people. I do more. I need to be more. I need for them to like me. I need to be there for them, whenever they beckon. It’s sad, and it’s highly pathetic.
I may have had a little frustrated cry to myself on Friday. It wasn’t through being sad, it was 100% anger. The anger comes from me knowing this is completely my fault. I never listen to my inner rational voice, or those around me who see things for what they are. I always try to see good in people, when really the good is not there. I read a quote once, “You can’t stick a flower in an asshole and call it a vase”. I don’t know who said it, but it’s bloody good right? So true in this instance.
Not being good enough for my own standards, is tough going, but knowing that I’m not good enough for people I like/respect, definitely affects me more. I’m not letting toxic people affect me anymore. I am a good person, and I should be investing my time in the good people in my life. This ‘friend’, will definitely miss me before I miss them. I am so far removed from letting people use me. So, what is the positive here? I am reaffirming with myself that I am a good person, and I deserve to be treated with respect. From now on, I will not settle for any less. People will only treat you, how you allow yourself to be treated. Fact. From now on, I will not stand for being made a mug of, or being used. There is enough going on in my day-to-day life, without adding some Dawson Creek teenage drama to it. I’m sad/angry that someone has made me feel this way, but, also happy/relieved that I now see it for what it is, and can move forward.
If you have read this and think it may ring true for you, just get rid of the so-called ‘friend’. Cut them out, and if/when they ever try to weasel their way back in because they have nothing else doing, or they want something, take great pleasure in ignoring them. I would like to think this ‘friend’ is not stupid enough to attempt the latter with me, as they’ve been told directly to bore off. Although, I think I have to admit I clearly don’t know them that well, so you never know right? If/when they do, the pleasure of walking away will be all mine.