The company I work for would ask employees to take part in an Insights test. The test consists of you answering a series of multiple choice questions, and in return they will provide you with a personality profile. There are 8 main personality types, that are referenced on a wheel chart. If two personality types are on opposite sides of the wheel, then they are opposing personalities.
When I got my results back, my personality type sat within the grey. This is becuase I was coming back as being strong in two opposing personality types. I am both an observer (blue) and an inspirer (yellow). Given my diagnosis, this now makes complete sense! As I read through my results I couldn’t believe how accurately I was being described, although, there is a couple of things I would definitely disagree with, but for the most part it has me spot on.
As you go through the report, it will give you a list of key strengths, possible weaknesses, blindspots, way for others to communicate with you, and how you can communicate with others of opposing types. My husband and I read it and found it very interesting, and I know that when my colleagues and I shared ours, we found them helpful. On the section for possible weaknesses it states “Genreally speaking, she is speaking generally!”. This really stuck with me. Does this mean I just waffle utter crap?? It made me incredibly self concious and for a long time in work, I would just sit with my headphones on and only interact if absolutely necessary. I worried that everyone thought I annoying. Who knows, maybe they do? It’s still very much a thought I have on a regular basis.
On Friday it was national Christmas Jumper day, and it was also our Secret Santa exchange. Every year I organise this, but the funny thing is, I always feel incredibly anxious about it. I worry that people find my organasing it annoying, that I’m seen as a do-gooder, or that people resent me for being the one to organise it. I know, it’s just me being self destructive again. Regardless, it happens. Also, I hate, I mean I HATE being the centre of attention and this always puts me at the forefront. At this point you’re probably thinking “well why on earth do it?”. I know exactly why I do it. I find Christmas a very difficult time of year. I always feel very conflicted about it. You know? it’s Christmas, all about family and stuff, and you know what? I never feel that warm and fuzzy Christmas feeling naturally. I need to really gear myself up for it. So, when I started in this company and realised they didn’t do anything for Christmas, I sought to organise it. At first I thought it would be a good idea, as I’d get to gear myself up, but also get to know my colleagues a bit better. I’d say it’s definitely worked for that, but, it also causes my anxiety to spike like you wouldn’t believe.
When I got into work, I was already feeling anxious. Did I look ok? would there be people who wont turn up? will there be peoople without presents? did I make sure and reach out to everyone? will people think it’s lame? I tried to distract myself with work, but that wasn’t very successful. I found it really hard to focus on what was needing to be done. I then tried to keep myself distracted with having menial conversations, this just ended up irking me. I tried blaring my music, but this too was futile. During lunch I felt a PA coming on, due to the build of anxiety throughout the morning and then chosen topic of conversation. It was all very horrible. I could feel myself starting to detatch.
Sometimes when I feel myself being overwhelmed it doesn’t always end in a PA. Some of the time when I begin to feel detatched I can either become very withdrawn, or, the polar oposite and I can be quite loud, overly confident & very chatty. Well, I can honestly say that for the remainder of the afternoon I just ‘waffled pish’ as we Scots would so nicely put it. I found myself engaging in conversations with people, and just letting words pour out of my mouth, or trip off my finger tips, and it was all just utter waffle. As I’m going through these moments, I know what I’m doing, but I have no way to stop it. It’s like being in the back seat of a car, watching the road, and having no control of the direction you take. It’s only when I’m able to think more clearly, like today, that I can reflect back on it, and a little bit of my dies of embarrassment inside.
Whilst I was on this high, I managed to get through the work I was struggling with in the morning. I was incredibly giggly and felt very happy. By the time I got home, I was bouncing in the door. I then sat and chatted my husbands ear off for easily a couple of hours, and then I crashed! I just went from being really excitable, to actually passing out on the sofa with exhaustion. I woke up an hour or so later and crawled off to bed. Even today I’m still feeling drained. I’m very tired and I have absolutely no motivation.
Thinking back, I can see that I do this a helluva lot, and the comment from my Insights profile “Generally speaking, she is speaking genreally!”, is positively spot on. When looking this up, it appears to be associated with the mania side of things. I’ve tried to find an article on how best to deal with this, or how to get over it, and I’m not really seeing much. There just seems to be alot of articles on what it’s like to experience mania, and other peoples accounts. A lot of these articles didn’t really help me much, as what someone else experiences, is not necessarily what I experience. This wasn’t even a bad episode of mania either. A lot of the time it can last for a few days, and when that happens I’m more likely to partake in risky behaviour i.e. buying a car I’ve not seen!
I have my next Psychiatrist appointment in the middle of January. Unfortunatley there has been a delay in me getting my appointment, due to a back log and lack of staff. This is exactly why I’m researching this myself and looking for all the self help I can. I don’t want to have to wait 2 months between appointments, or better yet, wait 1 year to 18 months for counselling/therapy. I find it all mad that this country puts so much on physical health, but mental health is just a nice to have if they can be bothered. Our mental health is important. Not just for when it gets out of control, but for everyone. Every single person needs to look after their own mental health, being sure to find a happy work/home life balnace, trying to be less stressed, find things/people that make them happy etc. It’s definitely a glaring problem for our National Health Service and something I hope that will be reformed in future years. Thankfully, we are in the digital age where we have a wealth of knowledge at our fingertips. There is no excuse for us to not source the information we need, and to access self help.
I’m going to start keeping a mood diary. I have read that this is very helpful for people like me, as I can use it to reflect back on patterns/triggers and look for better ways to manage how I am. Hopefully the next time I write about this, I’ll have more answers and suggestions of how to self help. I’m also hoping that my next Psychiatrist appointment will be insightful and I’l have more of an idea the counselling/therapies they’re going to offer me.
Do you have BPD? Do you have manic moments? Can you relate to this post? It would honestly be great to hear from you!