I am a living breathing contradiction

As the title states, I am a living breathing contradiction. Making me the root cause to most, if not all, of my ‘issues’. Having anxiety makes me overthink situations to the point of not sleeping, YET, I am impulsive. I know, right? How is this possible? I honestly have no idea.

I spend my life thinking and discussing pending events/situations to the point of actually boring myself, but I have to. I need to be prepared, with my lists and 101 thought up scenarios. My husband laughs at my many spreadsheets that I use to help organise and keep things on track, but I know he’d be lost without me and my uber organisational skills. Being prepared and organised rules! It means there are no nasty surprises and (hopefully) nothing to be anxious about prior/during/after an event. Now, all of this being said, I’m also incredibly impulsive on occasion. I am someone who see’s something she likes, gets really excited, and just goes for it. It’s almost like I’m blinded by whatever has sparked my interest, that the consequences just don’t even matter. I’m like Wylie Coyte chasing after Roadrunner; I have my eye on the prize and if I fall off a cliff, meh? I’ll deal with it.

Wait? What now? How is this possible? Absolutely no clue. All I do know is, this happens from time to time. Not a lot, but enough. This has got to be a good thing though? Clearly this means I’m having a lucid moment whereby anxiety is not taking hold? No, this is not good. This is reckless. How can I be on one side of the scale, then flip to the polar opposite? It’s madness. Having these impulsive moments just result in excessive anxious moments in the end. As once the high of being impulsive wears off, I get the dread of “OMG what have I done?”, then all the prerequisite overthinking and lists that would normally have been done, still need to be done! But now it’s all in hindsight, and isn’t guaranteed to be ‘anxious free’ in the end, actually now, it’s very much far from that.

Some examples of my impulsiveness of late come in the form of moving home & buying a car. You know, two really small things to take on. I hated the home we lived in previously, it depressed me to even say I lived there. I came to realise that my husband and I worked too damn hard to be going back to a house like that, so one day I saw a house online that I fell in love with and we were moved in within 4 weeks.  I would like to add that this was rented, not bought, as that could have sounded incredibly pretentious ‘oooh check me just buying a house on a whim’. Then today, I’ve just traded in my current car on impulse, and bought another car I’ve not even seen in person. Why? Because I’ve seen it, I’ve fallen in love with it, and I could. Definite trend here, I’m like a magpie with silver! See something new/shiny, fall in love, and I must have it.

After my impulse purchase today, I’ve sat and compared numerous insurance companies, created yet another spreadsheet and I’m now thinking of all the scenarios. Here is to a sleepless night, all of my own doing, in the bid of owning an awesome car (I hope).

I do hope that at least one person reading this can relate, and if that is you, please comment at the bottom so I know I’m not alone. I like to think that I cannot be the only living breathing contradictions with an anxiety disorder.

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