‘I’d rather be someone’s shot of tequila, than someone’s cup f tea’ is a saying I’d heard a few years back, and one I would have said I agreed with. These days I’d be more inclined to say ‘I’d rather just be me’ but, I don’t feel comfortable enough for that to be the case.
People see me as confident, somewhat outgoing, opinionated and confrontational. I hate it. I feel like it’s so far from the truth.
I have days/moments where I’m more confident than others. It depends on the people I’m with really. Can I be myself around these people? Do I feel safe? I worry about being me, because I’m so sure that the world hates me. That I’m judged. That everyone thinks I’m a joke. That even those who are nice to my face, will talk about me when I’m not there. Laughing at me. Mocking me.
When I have my more confident moments, I tend not to care at the time. My mouth opens and words fly out. I laugh. I joke about. I engage with those around me. But afterwards? I dissect every interactions and conversation had. I worry that being myself has made those around me see me for the joke I am.
I guess when I’m outgoing, it leaves me more confident to express my opinions on matters. This is the part that scares me the most. When people have a differing opinion, I assume they’ll then hate me for mine. Do I hate them for theirs? No. Do I care that they’re different? No, what I care about is how I’m perceived for having differing opinions. Does that make sense? It’s horrible. I can’t agree with people for the hell of it, and believe it or not, I have actually not given my opinion on so many things for this fear, however on the occasions where I’ve had the cajones, I will then kick myself for it later. I’ll worry about sharing what I think. Do they now hate me? What must they think of me?
How can someone who is a crippling worrier, be seen as confrontational? Is it because I am? I don’t think I am, I just see myself as someone who is quick to defend. Does that make me confrontational? Am I delusional? I honestly don’t know. I am quite a direct person. You know? spade is a spade. Is that what they mean? Is it because I’m quick to bite when people wind me up?
In our work kitchen some time ago, a conversation was going on about getting into fights. The exact context of that conversation escapes me. All I remember is being in one of my confident moods. I felt I was surrounded by those I could trust. Those I felt safe with. My friend at the time piped up to say that I had been in fights, so I chose to clarify that in my adult life I had been in 2. Both of these were a result of people talking about my kids. Red rag to any mother right? Or is it just me? One of these fights resulted in me being charged. I am by no means proud of it. However, if faced with the same situation again, I most likely would do it again. I feel particularly protective of my children. To the point where I wouldn’t care who you are, how big or hard you think you are, if you talk about or threaten my children the red mist will descend. I can make no apology for that surely? So, does this make me confrontational? Perhaps. Maybe I am. I don’t mean to be. I hate that I’m seen that way, but I can’t help it.
Since sharing this nugget of information, it has since been shared with more people (not by me!). It has been raised by people who were in the kitchen on a few different occasions. Each time it is raised, I feel a sense of dread. I start to hate myself for choosing to share parts of myself. For letting people see the horrible person I am.
And there we have it. I’m right back to being overly self focused and self loathing once again. Just when I thought my ways of thinking were changing and I was getting better. All it took was for someone to ask me about the drama in my life, and it’s somewhat spiralled from there.
I haven’t slept right for weeks now. I have convinced myself the I’m the worlds biggest joke/failure. I feel lonely. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Stupid. Annoyed at feeling all of these things. But, you know what? I slap a smile on each day, I walk out of this house, and I try to just get on. I’m back to doing the ostrich. Just absorbing myself in work, cleaning, kids, home etc that I’m not giving myself any time during the day to focus. This then leaves me the evenings and bedtimes to overthink.
The lack of sleep is definitely having a knock on effect. As is the fact I’m back to emotionally eating junk food. A poor diet will certainly not be helping.
I know all of this sounds incredibly self indulgent. I guess it is. I just cannot help it. I would love nothing more than to be one of these carefree, ‘I am who I am’ type people. I just don’t know how, or if I’ll ever be able.
Next week I have my psychology referral appointment. This is for them to revisit my diagnosis as it’s believed there may be more to me, than just depression and anxiety.
Personally I don’t care a jot what label people want to put on it. It makes no odds the name. What I do care about is not being left to feel this way and being told there is nothing else they can do. I need someone to help me. I want to know how I stop overthinking, worrying and caring what people may/may not think.
Hopefully when I write next, I’ll have good news and I’ll be on my way to getting more help, and better understanding what is wrong with me.