I hummed and hawed over doing this blog site, I toyed with the idea for years. It wasn’t something that was done lightly, and a lot of things were considered. It may surprise a lot of you to know this, but, I may have over thought it a little. I’d say it took me around a week to make the final leap, which included 3 phone calls to my hosting provider. It was when I spoke to the 3rd person, who asked what the blog was for, and commended me for it, that I decided to go for it.
Sharing such personal things is not easy. Especially when my life is, well, let’s say colourful. Other than my husband and few close friends, not many people know the darker sides to me and my past. So imagine how it is to lay myself bare, for the world to see? Granted, for most of you who read this, you have no idea who I am, but some of you do. With every post I worry that I’ll be judged. That the ones who know who I am, will think less of me, and every other negative thought you could possibly have.
One of the biggest worries is that I’m perceived as an attention seeker, and because of this worry, I’m writing this blog now. I think I need all of you to understand that I do not want pity or attention for what I share, this is not why I do it. I don’t write this blog to be praised, I write it to help.
When I first started to have panic attacks, I was in denial. I’d never heard of an anxiety disorder before. Depression yes, but not anxiety or panic attacks. I was unaware of how common it was. I had no one to talk to who could relate. My immediate family, as much as they meant well, were not helpful. I was essentially encouraged to just get over it. My partner at the time, well, let’s just say he was about as much use as a chocolate tea pot. My GP was lovely, but it wasn’t like I could book in a weekly 10 minute appointment to just chat.
I found help in the form of nomorepanic.co.uk, as it is an online forum filled with tons of information and great people. It was somewhere that I could go and reach out to talk to people, gain a better understanding of what was now “normal” for me, and I guess it was an outlet for my stresses and worries.
There is still a lot of taboo about mental illness. So many people out there who think they know, having never experienced what you go through, with all the opinions in the world. Naturally, they love to pass these opinions off as fact. Then we have people who suffer in silence. So many people who feel they have no one to talk to, no where to turn, or even in denial they’re struggling.
I get a lot of private messages from readers, all of which makes me realise that my blog helps. In the last month alone, I’ve had 2 people tell me that because of my blog they’re now actively seeking help. This is because I’ve chosen to lay myself bare. These people have read my blog and have said, “I totally relate” and “I could have written that myself”.
Never would I pretend to be the face of mental health, although some may argue with my level of cray cray I could be (jokes!). What I am saying is; I am but one small voice, that thinks by sharing my experiences/thoughts/feelings, I am both helping myself and helping others.
Please don’t ever presume to think that this easy to do. A good 90% of what I write, isn’t posted. Usually a blog post takes hours to write, then its read and scrutinised before a decision is made about sharing. A blog will be written for one of a few reasons; 1) something significant has happened that has triggered my negative thoughts/feelings. I share this in the hopes getting it out will make me feel better, or that someone can relate 2) I’m having a good day, or maybe having an epiphany about my mental health that I want to share (it’s not all doom and gloom), 3) I’m now in therapy and I’m looking to share my journey in the hopes to inspire others to seek help.
I just really wanted to put this out there, out into the ether, for the just in case that anyone thought ill of my sharing this part of myself with the world. Naturally it has been something that I’ve been overthinking and worrying about, so had to get it out.
For those of you that have messaged me, I’m very glad that I’ve been able to help. It does make me feel good to know that I’m managing what I’ve set out to do, and in turn, helping myself.
Thank you ?