Rainbows and other bullsh*t

“You can’t have a rainbow without a little rain”? This must be the biggest lot of bollox I’ve heard in a while! This has been said by people who experience minor inconveniences! It’s like when people say “Money can’t buy you happiness”, no, you’re right Sharon, it can’t. But not having to worry about money sure fucking helps!

Honestly, all of these little bullshit sayings really get on ones pink bits. I get they’re supposed to be positive, give perspective, and in some cases give motivation, but really? They’re all bull. Can you tell I’m in a bit of a ranty mood today? Ha!

I’m doing that thing where I’m scrolling through Facebook, and it’s the typical weekend fucking philosophers! I’m reading about people having epiphanies about their shit friends, ones sharing how wonderful their life is and how thankful they are, and then there are those who are feeling the need to impart their wisdom to help others be as great as they reckon they are. All the while I’m sitting here, eating nachos for breakfast, on coffee number two, crunching numbers for the next couple of months, and searching for another house. None of this bull shit happy, motivational stuff is applying to me what so ever. It’s not helping. If only a lovely little shared quote would help huh? If bloody only.

I think it’s safe to say that todays mood could be called ‘not-in-the-fucking-mood’. I’ve managed to go from feeling really low and crying all the time, to relatively positive and happy, to really highly strung and angry. It’s so much fun being on this rollercoaster of emotions. You just don’t know where you’re going to be, one moment to the next. I was actually on a complete hyper yesterday, talking at 100 miles an hour, on the go all day, generally upbeat, and I would say feeling good. That mood came crashing down around my ears as I started to settle down for the night. It’s like I’d just completely exhausted myself. I’ve woken up this morning with a banging headache, it’s raining outside, I’m no longer feeling as optimistic as I was yesterday, and everyone out there that is happy with their existence is pissing me off. It angers me that people are happy. How bad is that? Who am I to sit here and judge others for being happy? The world is allowed to be happy, even when I can’t be. Others are allowed to have their shit together and be proud/happy of the fact. So why does this piss me off so much? Why, when I’m rational and understanding enough to appreciate they should be happy, can’t I be happy for them? Why must I let it piss me off? All very good questions. Answers on a postcard!  Maybe I’ve just gotten up on the wrong side of the bed, as they say. Maybe I’m jealous? That’s most probably the reason.

This is me being overly self-focused again. Today I’m not as busy as yesterday, so I’m allowing my mind to roam free. Not a good thing. I’m sitting over analysing conversations from over the last week. Reading into what could be hidden meanings, and undertones to what people have said. Over thinking the way people appeared to be toward me. I’m driving myself nuts here. So far this morning, I’ve managed to convince myself I’m a terrible Mum, people think I’m a joke and don’t like me, and my situation will not improve. This is where I need to stop, breath, relax and try to think logically. I’m going to apply the techniques I’ve learned.

As I started typing this blog my shoulders were at my ears. The tension in my neck and shoulders is really bad, that it’s sore to lift my arms. That is how bad my tension has been over the last week. I have just done my 7/11 breathing, where I inhale for 7, and exhale for 11. When you breath in, be sure and have your stomach rise, not your chest. If you’re chest is rising, then you’re shallow breathing and this isn’t as good. I have let my shoulders start to drop and my body relax with every breath, and even now I’m feeling calmer.

So, lets take a look at my negative thoughts:

I’m a terrible Mum

  • Trigger – We have recently found out we’re not getting to keep our home. So, we’re on the move, again!
  • Feelings – I’m feeling low and sad, as well as anxious about what lies ahead, and angry at myself for being in this situation.
  • Unhelpful thoughts/images – I just keep thinking that the kids hate me for this nomadic lifestyle I’ve forced upon them.
  • Facts that support these thoughts/feelings – None.
  • Facts against the thoughts and feelings – My children haven’t said anything negative to me, regarding us having to move again. Only that they’re dreading the packing/unpacking.
  • A more realistic perspective – Sometimes shit happens, outwith our control. I cannot be responsible for everything.
  • Outcome – I still feel angry, but I think more so at the situation, rather than just at me. I couldn’t have predicted this, so how can it be my fault?

People think I’m a joke and hate me

  • Trigger – It feels like some people are nicer to me one on one, than they are when others are around. I maybe read too much into things (no shit Sherlock), but sometimes people look at me in such a way that it makes me wonder if they’re either bored and looking for an out, or just think I’m an idiot.
  • Feelings – it makes me paranoid, self-conscious, self-critical and anxious.
  • Unhelpful thoughts/images – They think I’m an embarrassment, they only appease me because they’re too nice to be horrible or ignore me.
  • Facts that support these thoughts/feelings – My thoughts on their facial expressions, attitude and overly feeling I get when I’m around/talking to them.
  • Facts against the thoughts and feelings – They are always pleasant.
  • A more realistic perspective – They may not hate me, but I may just not be their cup of tea
  • Outcome – I think I’ve realised these people don’t really like me all that much, but hey, at least they’re not horrible to me. Hopefully they’re not two faced, because that’s worse than just outright not liking someone. Two faced people are asshats! I think from now on, I’m going to give them a wide berth and just leave them to it.

My situation won’t improve

  • Trigger – My life is in a right pickle just now. So much stuff going on, and to add to it, we need to find another house. It just feels like a shitty game of whack a mole.
  • Feelings – Sad & angry
  • Unhelpful thoughts/images – That we’ll constantly be stuck in a rut of having to find solutions to problems.
  • Facts that support these thoughts/feelings – Well, my life has been like this, since forever. It’s always been a case of having something to work through. Something that needs imminent attention for improvement.
  • Facts against these thoughts and feelings – Yes, there is always problems that need dealing with, but I deal with them. Every time a solution is found and that particular issue is improved.
  • A more realistic perspective – Everyone has problems. I know this. We all have to get up and each day, we work through something.
  • Outcome – I just need to get up and get on. I need to not let this recent bout of issues overwhelm me. Delegation will help me also, as I usually hold onto a problem, as I don’t trust anyone else to be able to deal with it properly. I need to delegate, to lessen the stress on me. A solution will be found for these problems, and in 6 months time I’ll have a whole new set of ‘you honestly can’t make this shit up’ type problems. Yaay me.

And breath! I do actually feel a bit better. Not 100% better, but calmer at least. I think it’s time to maybe go for a lie down, put on a movie to get lost in, and chill out for the rest of the day. Back to work tomorrow and it will be all systems go. I need to remember to make more time to just stop, breath, and think more rationally.

Positives for today is that I have managed to stop the negative spiral in it’s tracks. I’m not cured, but I don’t feel myself sinking further. My shoulders are no longer up to my ears, and I’m feeling a lot calmer. If you feel yourself going to extreme sadness, anger, or anxious, then just stop! Take a moment to breath, relax and give yourself headspace to think more rationally. Sometimes, even in my cases above, the negative thoughts are justified, but it’s how we choose to use that information. For example, I know that certain people don’t like me, give how they are around me, their facial expressions and body language are dead giveaways, but do I have to let it consume me? Or can I just move on and realise that I need to not put anymore effort into them? The latter sounds better to me. No need to be horrible, no need to be angry, feel low, or be anxious about it. It just is, what it is.

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