This time last year I wrote ‘Always Angry’, I still remember writing this and how bitter/angry I was at the time. When this was published I was going through a few personal problems, mostly issues with believing I was disliked/hated/not good enough. I just became self-focused and let all the negative things take me over, and I lost sight of the good. I have read over it today with a smile on my face. Why? Well because at one point I state:
“I need to sit, and painstakingly go over everything and find the positives”
Lately I don’t need to do this. I’m sure it’s been a few weeks since I felt compelled to sit and think about the positives. No longer does this feel like such a chore. If I was faced with these same issues today, I know that I wouldn’t feel this angry/upset. I dare to say that I wouldn’t let them phase me to the point of feeling much.
I have also said:
“So here it is; I’m sat here, after a pretty meh week, feeling frustrated. I’m then feeling angry with myself for letting it get this out if hand and now being sat here in the world’s worst mood. I have spent the week feeling completely detached and it’s been horrible.
What now? I need to get a grip and focus on my PMA. I need to start looking at all the positives that have come out of this week, even if it’s only one. I need to look toward the weekend and week ahead and find the positives, so that I’m not taking this bad mood forward.”
Wow! How hard on myself am I here? I’m telling myself that I need to get a grip, and the things that I need to do to feel better. When really, making myself find small positives didn’t ever really make me feel better long term. It just put a small plaster on a big wound. It was only a matter of time until it was a problem again. Also, finding the positives didn’t mean that I paid them any attention. All it meant was, I now had a comparison for my one measly positive, against my several (often self-made) negatives.
When I was a kid I used to play inside my quilt cover. Don’t ask me why, I just did. One day my friend was over to play, and she climbed into my sister’s quilt cover. We fastened up the bottoms of them and proceed to jump about the bedroom and act the fool. I had jumped around that much in mine, that I got kerfuffled when trying to find the fastenings at the bottom. I remember panicking because I was getting warm from all the jumping about and felt like I couldn’t catch a breath. My Mum came through to the commotion, got me free of the quilt, and was very angry at the mess we made. I’d liken my negative thinking over the years to this experience. I have been jumping around inside my quilt, cradling all of the negativity, unable to allow myself to breath. It’s been nothing short of a shit experience. Going to counselling has literally been someone opening up the cover and letting me out! I can now breath and think more rationally.
Don’t get me wrong, I still get my moments. There are things that people have said to me of late that have really hurt my feelings. At the time! That being the important bit. It hurt my feelings at the time. The moment of feeling hurt, was just that, a moment. I’ve recognised the feelings for what they were, used my new way of thinking to know the feeling is justified, but not constructive, so I can just let it go, and I have. I’ve just let it go and moved on.
The secret to caring less, is to learn what is worth caring about! Sounds too simple to be true, but it is. A guy I know shared a book with me “The subtle art of not giving a f*ck”, admittedly I didn’t finish the whole book, but I fully intend to. The gist of it is to assess your life and realise what’s important to you! I highly recommend you give it a read, it’s a bit of an eye opener. Some of it wasn’t relevant to me, as it was written from a mans perspective, but the points were still interesting.
Everyone cares about what others think of them. Those who say they don’t care at all, are liars! Out right big fat liars. We have people who maybe care less about what people think, or care less about what certain people think, but they will always care about what someone thinks of them. I have been guilty of caring what everyone thinks of me. Scrutinising myself and dissecting myself into tiny pieces trying to correct what is ‘wrong’ with me. I now realise there is nothing wrong with me. If someone doesn’t like me, ok, it’s not great, I’d rather they did, but hey, I’m clearly not their kind of person. This is ok! It’s ok to not be for everyone. Just like everyone is not for me. I’m on a bit of journey to learn to love myself, warts and all, and how can I possibly do that when I worry about everyone else’s opinions? I can’t!
You will always get people who dislike you, or dislike what they think you’re about, and in all honesty, when someone has made up their mind to not like you, nothing you can do/say will change it. Let’s look at people you don’t like, you know the ones, the ones who the mere sound of their voice just irritates you. They could find the cure for cancer, and you’d still think they were an asshat. They’d just be the asshat that cured cancer. So, don’t try to change anything about who you are to appease those whose minds are made up, just keep being you. One of my favourite sayings, that I say to my children often and one I really should have been living by:
“Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind!”
Positives? In the space of a year, I have changed a helluva lot! I’m more rational in my thinking and in turn this is helping me to be happier. For the first time in forever (I cannot say/type that without singing it to Frozen), I feel optimistic. It’s a good feeling, and I’m really looking forward to reading this post in a years’ time and being able to say that I feel even better than I do today. I’m not suggesting that my life will now be without hiccups, and I’m now cured, I just feel better equipped emotionally to deal with whatever comes my way!