Last Week’s Meltdown
So, the other day I wrote a blog (trigger warning!!) about how sad I was feeling. The feeling of being sad came unexpectedly, for no apparent reason and it completely overwhelmed me. This happens to me a lot, although, not always as intense as this was. When getting sad, for what I perceive to be no reason, I find that talking to others about it is futile. This is when you find that people want to play Dr. Phil and will try to rationalise this erratic mood and give you reasons for it. I appreciate that they’re only trying to help, but in all honesty? It doesn’t.
For years I have sought answers to why I am the way I am. Why am I so sad? Why was I sad yesterday, but completely fine and happy today? Why was I anxious for nothing this morning, but totally manic by lunch? Why did I say I love them, when now I hate them? Always with the whys! It’s pointless, and the reason for this is because I have BPD. Plain and simple. There doesn’t have to be a reason.
The best way I rationalise myself, is as someone who has; A chemical and hormonal imbalance coupled in with negative learned behaviours of how to deal (or how not to deal) with emotions, thus causing an overall emotional instability, that is best described as IRRATIONAL AS FUCK! Feel free to take that term and use it to describe me, I personally don’t find it offensive, for the simple fact, it’s true!
Coming Out the Other Side
If you had asked me a week ago how I was feeling, I may have just burst into tears. I was incredibly fragile and vulnerable, and you know what? There was NO reason for it. Just none. We can sit here and try to say it was because my job is stressful of late, or the lack of sleep, or hormones, or people not being very nice to me, or the fact I’m feeling incredibly insecure…but you know what? None of those factors have changed, and today I’m feeling very happy. Why? No reason, I just feel happy today. Nothing has changed. Everything today, is as it was last Sunday, as it was the Sunday before, and so on. Nothing in my life has changed, at all. Yet here I am, a week on, feeling really good. Go figure.
When the dark spiral has stopped and the clouds of negativity clear, I’m left sitting very red faced. I look back on how I felt, how I acted and how I spoke to people, or worse, what I divulged about how I was (like my blog), and I die a little inside with embarrassment. Low moments put me into overshare mode. I think this is because I’m so low and fragile that I need the world to understand so that it will give me a break! I also think these people I overshare with will not leave me if I explain why I am the way I am. I always get the fear that people will leave me because of how I am, and this just adds to the sadness.
When I’m not low, I don’t do feelings, as in I don’t talk about them, and I certainly don’t share what I’m thinking. It’s like being two different people. I like to think that happy me is the normal me. The rational side of me that can cope, and that can just move on and get the job (life) done.
For example, last week I was thinking so negatively that the thought of just not being on this planet was there. It wasn’t strong, and I promise (I don’t just say this for affect) I would never ever do it. I have attempted suicide in the past (pre children), but being a mother now, I would never in a million years leave my kids. Not willingly. Having the thoughts of being free are normal when you’re low. You get desperate for a way out, and for some reason our brains go there. It’s dark. It’s horrible. It’s a fact. Feeling how I am today, this isn’t even a consideration, these thoughts will not happen and wouldn’t be entertained even if they did. I wouldn’t say that I’m ‘loving life’, but I’m not hating it.
I knew that a good day would come, and that is what gets me through my low days. It can feel incredibly hopeless when feeling low, it is depression after all. It reminds me of Captain Barbossa from Pirates of the Caribbean, you know when they’re cursed and food turns to ash in their mouths, and they don’t feel anything? When the low moments hit, I feel numb to what I would normally love, and I find I enjoy nothing. A lot of the time this can also cause my anxiety to spike, but thankfully last week that didn’t happen. Having to deal with being depressed and being anxious at the same time is particularly horrible. They’re almost conflicting feelings and it can leave you especially exhausted trying to manage both.
Unlike last week, I will not be laying on the sofa willing sleep, watching the biggest lot of crap on TV. I am up and about and motivated for a day of studying! It’s the most motivated I’ve felt in a few weeks, and this is making me feel even happier. I don’t know how long it will last, so I shall not take today or this mood for granted!
For anyone who can relate, and especially if you’re going
through a low period, please just remember it’s only temporary! Yes, it sucks!
It can feel like living through hell, but hey, how many times have you lived
through this hell before and got to the other side? A lot I bet. How many times
have you felt so incredibly low, and then came out of the other side to find
you have happy days/moments? When you’re happy, you’re really happy right? We
all feel things more intensely than everyone else. It just means we need to
grab the happy moments and bask in them.
There is a lot of self help stuff out there too. Please do not struggle alone. There is the Headspace app for your phone, most of it is free, but please check it out! I highly recommend it. Then there is YouTube channels for self help with BPD. Medication can only do so much; the rest is up to us. I, personally, have opted to not have mood stabilisers as I want to figure this out on my own. Not because I think I’m too good for them, but just because I spent the best part of 10 years on medication and I just don’t want to go back to that. I have read a lot of literature on BPD, and it can be helped with reprogramming our ways of thinking, so that is my way of dealing with it. This being said, I am 100% not distracting from medication. It’s there for a reason, and if it’s helping you, stick with it and always go on the guidance of your doctor. Remember that how you deal with BPD, is not how I do, and not how the next person does, so don’t be going on what someone in a blog or on Facebooks says about the best medication, always stick to what the professionals have to say, they know what they’re doing! Also, if you’re doing recreational drugs to help, they won’t. Fact. If anything, they’ll exacerbate the situation, so please try to seek help for your recreational drug use. Even weed. It doesn’t help. You think it does, because at the time you feel happy, maybe get the giggles, then the munchies, and sleep (hallelujah), but it’s not a rested sleep, the happiness is temporary and fake, and once it’s worn off you’re left sad and anxious! Take it from someone who knows, and someone who gave it up. Giving up ALL recreational drugs it will help you! Again though, I would discuss your drug use with your doctor, and talk about the support they can give you to give them up. It’s not easy, and we all need support to give up a habit, and especially one we rely on to help make us feel better, however temporary that is.