My last appointment was back in January. I did write about this previously, but due to losing my site, the post is long gone. I’m sure I’ll build a bridge and get over all of the lost content someday…..
Anyways, just a quick recap! It was in my January appointment it was confirmed it is just EUPD that I have. Just? I know. It’s not exactly a small thing to be told. However, I was relieved to know it wasn’t EUPD and Bipolar.
BPD is often misdiagnosed. Purely because it feeds into many other things like depression & anxiety. I have been diagnosed as having GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) and on/off depression for the better part of 20 years. So, to finally be told something like this, where it lets all of the jigsaw pieces fit together was such a relief!
In today’s appointment it was really just a catch up. My Psychiatrist wanted to know how I’m doing, make sure I’m not suicidal and to find out if my pending group DBT therapy has reached out yet.
I explained that nothing is really different. Things pretty much feel the same. I have been doing a bit of reading and watching videos about BPD/EUPD. I told my Psychiatrist about my concerns regarding how I am, the things I’ve read/watched, and my most recent cringy behaviour.
I won’t go into too much detail; just know that within the last few weeks I have managed to completely surmise and blow a situation (turned out to be completely imaginary!) out of proportion. Basically convinced myself that people hated me, and I turned into a super dick about it. I then began to hate them. Cue Black and White thinking, devaluation, paranoia, irrational anger….sound familiar? This scenario happens to me all the time by the way. Horrible vicious cycle. You’d think that being aware of it would mean I could just stop it right?
Now that’s I know it’s been completely imaginary, and that these people don’t hate me, they maybe just have more going on in their world than me! I feel awful! I genuinely feel like the worst human ever! How completely self indulgent am I? To quite literally make everything about me?!? What a dick!
We spoke about this situation and my psychiatrist feels that I’m too hard on myself, and that I’m my own worst critic. Tell me something I don’t know! I do feel that he’s being too kind, or even biased as I’m his patient, so perhaps he’s obligated to side with me so I don’t leave his office feeling like an even bigger asshole. Who actually knows! I just know, I feel like the biggest asshole this side of Trump!
I did also have some good things to report. I have been getting to do some pretty good projects in work recently, and one in particular has had my hard work/efforts noticed. I was even put forward for, and won, an award in work for this very project. This has meant so much to me it has made me cry (happy tears of course). The people who nominated me, were people I wasn’t even sure if they even liked me that much, so to read the lovely things they had to say? Definitely made me feel really good.
I feel silly writing “My Psychiatrist” all the time, so let’s just call him Dr. Quack! Right, ok, so Dr. Quack (yes I know, it’s not the best, but it will grow on us all….like a little fungus….) took all of this in and told me that he’s happy I’ve been able to make sense of things with my diagnosis, but, too often people attribute everything to their diagnosis. Dr. Quack has said that I will be able to find a balance of what is normal feelings (he hates the word normal, as he says that no one is normal, we’re all a bit quirky! But what would be a more neutral level for me) with the help of my up and coming DBT therapy. He also said that the fact I feel things more intensely isn’t a bad thing, as it means I get to feel the good things like being happy and love much more deeply. He has said this before and I know he’s right. I really do appreciate and basque in the highs, it’s just the lows and dark thoughts I hate 😞
I have felt quite positive about my appointment today, and as always I will take on board what has been said. Hopefully I won’t be waiting too much longer for my DBT.