BPD/EUPD – Taking things personal and needing constant reassurance

I am sure that for many people out there, you can empathise with taking things personal from time to time. I am also sure that many people require reassurance now and again too. Both perfectly normal things that everyone does at some point, so what is the big deal?

Feeling a bit delicate

I am always taking things personal. Always. The way people speak to me, look at me, address me, or how they don’t speak to me, perhaps they haven’t even looked up at me, and they probably don’t address me. Either way, I will take it personal. Always looking to find a fault with them or myself. How do I come to the conclusion of who is at fault? Surely I would just always deem myself as right and that would be that. They’re a dick, I’m not, happy days?

What I do is look to others for constant reassurance. I will relay what I perceive to have been a “situation” and I will look for others to tell me what they think. To hell with what I think! I’m an irrational human, who I don’t think very highly of, and who quite often misjudged things! Others are always so much more aware and insightful than me…..

Reaching out to others leaves me with only 3 possible outcomes

1) They respond in a political manner. By remaining on the fence, entirely neutral, not passing judgement on either party! OMG is this annoying, as I’ll then have to seek out someone else! Only causing me to explain again, and sit in that horrible anxious way, awaiting a response!

2) They side with the other person/s. Say what now? So wait, it is just me being irrational?! Great, so now I look a right plonker for even raising it, but, here we are, now discussing how I could have taken this whole situation wrong. The very situation that may well have caused me to erupt (externally/internally, getting better at the internal eruptions!), or even caused me to cry, has been all in my head. Just spiffing!

3) They side with me, and it’s 100% the other person/s fault. Erm yup! Too right. Of course it is. They’re clearly an asshat! Is this just what I wanted to hear though? Well no, because someone has now been horrible to me, and me being me, I now need to know why?! Why has this asshat upset me? What have I done wrong? Have I said something? Done something? What? What people, what?!?

Never a right answer

So, really, as you can see, no answer is a good one! Yet? I seek it anyway! Always needing an answer. Never settling for the fact that sometimes things just are. There doesn’t always have to be a reason.

I have some days that are better than others. It just depends on how I’m feeling within myself. Sometimes I can give myself a talking to (mmhmmm, you read right!) and I can rationalise that I don’t actually care! As I don’t believe that deep down I do. I think it’s a superficial wound when someone does something menial that upsets me, but because I’m already in a fragile state of mind, I make it something bigger. Pretty sure this is catastrophising!

Today I had a meeting and some guy I work with tried to mock and condescend to me. Usually I wouldn’t let this person phase me, as they’re definitely not someone who’s opinion I care about. Today though? Today I felt a bubble of utter rage, that almost led to tears. I felt the urge to just tell the person to fuck off and get a grip! I just let that bubble of pure rage accumulate under the surface. I took to messaging my friend, who I’m quite sure can live without my moans!, but I did it anyways. Why? Because I’m an overly self indulgent twat, that needed attention right there and then, because I was now furious over something menial. So please, stop your life, pay attention to me, and reassure me!

What happens now? Ah yes, good old guilt and shame! I’m now ashamed of how I’ve behaved and I feel guilty for taking up someone’s time with my moans, so I apologise! But then I feel like the apology is not enough and I just want the world to swallow me whole! The good thing is that I’m no longer angry. Now I’m just really sad, because I know I should know better yet here I am?!

Why so low?

I’m definitely not in a good place right now. I feel utterly exhausted. I’m back to not sleeping well, I’m over thinking everything, convinced people hate me, that people are talking about me behind my back, that they think I’m stupid, that I shouldn’t have my job etc. This has all started since I got a promotion in work a couple of weeks ago, and I just feel like I shouldn’t have got it. Like everyone is whispering “she only got it because they like her” or “she only got it because her face fits”. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t even feel like I can be happy about it!

I’ve spoken to more than a few colleagues now and I’ve told them that I don’t care about people’s opinions of me having the job. If people don’t like it, they can do one! Who am I trying to convince, them or me? Of course I care what my peers think of me! These are people I need to work with every day. It puts my stomach in knots to think I’m not good enough.

What now?

Right now? I’m trying to kill the urge to seek reassurance and stop the vicious cycle of me annoying someone, finding out it’s probably all in my head, the apologising, looking like a bit of a pleb, and then overthinking the whole situation and making myself feel worse! But the urge to message someone is real! Very real! So, on that note, I think I shall go to bed and just feel very sorry for myself.

That really is as sad as that sounds. Although, I do love my bed! I love how cosy and at peace I can feel when just laying there. So, yes, good shout by me! Tomorrow is another day after all……

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