For those of you who are familiar with my site, you’ll all be thinking “where has it all gone…”. Simple answer, I didn’t back up my site and due to being so busy of late I didn’t renew my website. Yup. Every single post lost. At first I felt a huge bubble of rage (those of you who know me will be laughing at this, as you know only too well how red my face went…), then I called my provider who offered to restore it for the small price tag of £150! Erm, no thanks! I’ll take the hit.
Once I peeled myself off the ceiling, I realised this can be a good thing. So much has changed with me since starting this blog, and a lot of those posts I’m glad to see the back of. So, like the Phoenix (not a peacock!), let it be resurrected from the ashes and be better than it was before.
So, to summarise my life struggles with mental health issues so far, and my blog until this point…..
I was 15 years old when I was first diagnosed as depressed. At the age of 17 I attempted suicide for the first time. 14 years ago I had my first Panic Attack. All in all, I have struggled with mental health issues for over 20 years. Over the years I have been through different kinds of counselling, anger management, therapy, been on just about every kind of anti-depressant available in the UK. Most recently I have been diagnosed as having Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD). This is a form of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) with manic episodes.
When I was first having my panic attacks, I attended my first round of counselling sessions. It was in these sessions that I realised what a negative person I was. I literally saw no good in the world, or people. I hated everyone and everything, and my hate was making me miserable. I was tasked with always finding the good in every situation. Now, as someone who was in a bad cycle of always seeing/thinking/expressing the negative, you have no idea how difficult it was to change that mindset. It took years.
Fast forward a few years, and I’ve put myself through college thanks to my new positive outlook. I’ve managed to maintain a full time job for years, take myself back off to college, and then get the job I’ve always wanted. All sounds pretty awesome right? Sounds like I was cured and life was pretty peachy….
It has never been peachy, when is life ever? I had my good and bad days, just like everyone else. I just kept my eyes on the prize as it were. I always set myself personal goals/targets to work toward. It’s what keeps me motivated and focused.
Then 3 years ago things turned sour. I was going through some sort of personal crises. I found that I was wakening up every day and feeling empty. I was crying at the drop of a hat and I was becoming even more irritable than normal. I was just so down and frustrated. Some days were better than others, which lead me to believe there was a reason that wasn’t me! I had to seek it out and get rid! I couldn’t have someone/something ruin everything that I had worked so hard to achieve.
It was at this point everything just went to shit. I ended my marriage, I was drinking pretty much every evening, I started to comfort eat myself into a stupor, and I dropped the ball. The ball being all that I had been working for. I was working so hard to keep my head above water, to not feel sad, to keep this positive mental attitude, to do well in work, to be a good mum, good wife, and a good friend! I fell into many dark spirals, where my depression was becoming overwhelming or my panic attacks would spike! To the point where I’d started to have panic attacks after over 5 years of having none!
I tried to talk to friends and family, but in all honesty? They didn’t get it. They all thought that I chose to be this way, or that I don’t see how easy it is to just not be this way. Or at least that’s how I felt at the time. So, I started this blog. I used it to document my personal experiences, my past, and my current experiences in therapy/counselling. I did this as a way for me to vent, but also to reach out to others that are like me. Maybe what I have to say will help them, and maybe they’ll reach out to me and I’ll know I’m not alone.
A lot of what has been written could be described as overly personal? I just figure that mental health issues are not pretty, so why sugar coat it? My blog has been pretty successful, especially given it has no advertising, click-bait, no celebrity news, and the topics aren’t exactly the happiest!
I hope you all like the new site! Here is to starting a fresh and looking forward to a year of fresh rants, waffling, therapy sessions and to getting mentally well!
How’s that for a bit of PMA? 😉